Avraham's Minimized Grief

Such was a dvar Torah in shul and also an article in the recent Jewish Link. Recall that the sidra of Chayei Sarah opened with Sarah’s death:

וַתָּ֣מׇת שָׂרָ֗ה בְּקִרְיַ֥ת אַרְבַּ֛ע הִ֥וא חֶבְר֖וֹן בְּאֶ֣רֶץ כְּנָ֑עַן וַיָּבֹא֙ אַבְרָהָ֔ם לִסְפֹּ֥ד לְשָׂרָ֖ה וְלִבְכֹּתָֽהּ׃

Sarah died in Kiriath-arba—now Hebron—in the land of Canaan; and Abraham proceeded to eulogize Sarah and to bewail her.

Some commentators observe the small kaf in וְלִבְכֹּתָֽהּ. Others, such as Kli Yakar, observe the apparently strange inversion between the eulogizing and crying. After all, to quote the article:

At first glance, it seems like the actions listed in the pasuk are out of order. Typically, when being informed of a spouse’s death, one would first internalize the event, shed tears and then compose oneself in order to be able to properly eulogize the deceased. It seems that Avraham first provided a eulogy and only after cried and engaged in personal bereavement.

And then people offer answers. For instance:

Rav Yosef Dov Soloveitchik (“Family Redeemed”) suggests that Avraham understood that Sarah was respected by all and that her absence was felt by many. He first sought to comfort others who had experienced deep sorrow upon hearing of the death of Sarah and only later to consider his own grief. It highlights the impact Sarah had on the community and Avraham’s recognition of her influence on so many others.

This teaches a deep moral lesson. However, it also partly diminishes the human nature of Avraham. He really didn’t even stop to shed a single tear? (Depending on how the Rav phrased it, he might not have meant exactly this.) It turns Avraham Avinu into a Gadol about whom ArtScroll hagiographies are composed.

Similarly, some of the meforshim (see Baal HaTurim and the Rosh) who analyze the small kaf and say he only cried a little because she was already old. This can be expanded into:

Why would Avraham cut his grief short?

Perhaps we can learn a tremendous lesson from Avraham’s conduct in this situation. Rashi explains that Sarah’s death appears following the Akeida because when she heard that Avraham was about to sacrifice their child Yitzchak, it caused her sudden death. The yetzer hara sought to implant doubt in Avraham: “Maybe I should not have been so quick to agree to sacrifice my son. Had I not obliged with God’s request, Sarah may still be alive.”

…

Avraham understood that Sarah was old and her time would come shortly, even if his act may have triggered her death slightly prematurely. Therefore, he minimized his grief and attributed the main cause of her death to her old age. Had Avraham extended his grieving it may have been interpreted as having remorse for agreeing to sacrifice Yitzchak.

This kind of cold-ish calculation may teach a moral lesson, but I don’t think it is necessary an exemplar of how a human being should behave in such terrible personal circumstances. We are allowed to feel, and express emotion.

I think we need to approach this from a peshat perspective, which is that לִבְכֹּתָֽהּ does not mean “to cry” in the sense of reacting emotionally and crying.

Rather, לִבְכֹּתָֽהּ means to do something formal on her behalf, just as לִסְפֹּ֥ד לְשָׂרָ֖ה means to do something on her behalf, namely eulogizing.

It is to “bewail her”, rather than to cry. This is something formal. Look at eshet yefat to’ar, in Ki Teitzei:

וְהֵסִ֩ירָה֩ אֶת־שִׂמְלַ֨ת שִׁבְיָ֜הּ מֵעָלֶ֗יהָ וְיָֽשְׁבָה֙ בְּבֵיתֶ֔ךָ וּבָ֥כְתָ֛ה אֶת־אָבִ֥יהָ וְאֶת־אִמָּ֖הּ יֶ֣רַח יָמִ֑ים וְאַ֨חַר כֵּ֜ן תָּב֤וֹא אֵלֶ֙יהָ֙ וּבְעַלְתָּ֔הּ וְהָיְתָ֥ה לְךָ֖ לְאִשָּֽׁה׃

and discard her captive’s garb. She shall spend a month’s time in your household lamenting her father and mother; after that you may come to her and thus become her husband, and she shall be your wife.

This is a set period of time, like shiva, but for a month, in which she formally mourns. Similarly, the Mishnah refers to nashim mekonenot, women who bewail the passing of the deceased. There are rules about the hiring of professional mekonenot, professional bewailers. Mishnah Ketubot 4:4: “Even the poor must provide two flutes and a mekonenet (מְקוֹנָנֶת)” These professional bewailers are not related to the deceased and quite possibly are not really feeling that bad about the person’s passing.

Since these are obligations to the deceased, it makes absolute perfect sense that first the eulogy would come and then the bewailing. I am imagining something like sitting shiva.

And then, Avraham is not suddenly an uncaring figure, or one who doesn’t shed a tear until later, or calculates how to react. Of course he cried first!